Hanoi - turning Vietnamese!

Hello again. I've moved on to Hanoi in northern Vietnam. All my thoughts are on Australia now and the day of my flight to Sydney is fast approaching. But my trek through Asia is far from over. I've 12 days left in which to see the whole of Vietnam, and that's not a lot by any stretch of the imagination!

But the whole essence of my journey has been to see as much as possible in the shortest amount of time, surviving on overnight journeys galore and big bags of crisps from roadside shops. So grab a bumper pack of Lays (what Walkers crisps are sold as in Asia), a dubious bottle of local spring water and join me once again upon my journey!

I left off having just arrived in Vang Vieng in Laos. Vang Vieng is a town of modest size, a couple of hours north of the capital Vientiane. It is situated in a dramatic landscape of rivers and forests, in the midst of a range of beautiful and surreal dome-shaped mountains that glower down from over the water.

Once upon a time this place was a well-kept secret, but fast forward to 2008 and now it is more packed with tourists than anywhere in Laos. The town's central streets are swamped with bar after bar after bar. In a peculiar quirk of supply-and-demand marketing, there is a rash of 'Friends bars' in Vang Vieng; places kitted out with TVs and DVD players, endlessly replaying episodes of Friends all day long! I voted with my feet and went elsewhere.

If getting pissed in an exotic location - and watching actors who are now very very rich acting out humourous situations involving people who are not rich or famous - isn't your cup of tea, Vang Vieng offers alternatives. As promised I've been dabbling in watersports (teehee), and I had a mixed degree of success!

The main pursuit on offer at the dozens of tourist agencies in Vang Vieng is tubing, which skilfully combines the joys of drinking, swimming and floating in a river! By utilising a tractor's rubber inner tyre and the natural river currents, you can drift downstream in peaceful serenity. Don't forget to don your swimming togs first of course!

Backpackers throng to Vang Vieng for the tubing, and it is choked with travellers. Every morning the local guys who work as tourist guides ferry people up to the starting point, driving fleets of tuk-tuks with racks of rubber rings piled haphazardly on the roof. A long stretch of bars built on the banks of the river offer travellers drinks (plus in some cases the discreet vending of herbal products, should they be desired).

Failing to see a downside in any of this, we arranged to go tubing with one of the agencies. Dozens of tourist agencies exist in the town (side-by-side on the street in many cases), boasting similar prices and trying to undercut one another. But at the end of it all, no matter which agency you book with, or how low you haggle the price down, it's the same blokes that pick you up and act as your guides!

And so, after an exciting trip through some water-filled underground caves, our guides drove our group in a tuk-tuk to a patch of ground a few kilometres up the river. Then they issued us each with a giant rubber ring, and left us to float back down to Vang Vieng on the river currents! There's a lot to say for floating past the stunning mountain scenery in such comfort and serenity. All that was missing was a bland soundtrack by the Lighthouse Family and I could have been in an insurance commercial!

The river winds its way through several kilometres back to Vang Vieng, and at every bend in the river is a bar with rope swings or volleyball courts, blasting out loud reggae or trance music. Thirsty? Paddle closer to the bank and a man with a stick comes and tows you in to buy a drink. Then once you've bought a beer you can take it back in the water with you if you like, and drift away!

Or if you want to stay at the bar and enjoy the ambience, a tuk-tuk will ferry you back to town at night! This is rest and relaxation taken to a ridiculous extreme. On a sunny day it would have been utterly brilliant, but we went tubing in overcast weather and the time soon began to drag. Thank f**k I didn't have to listen to the Lighthouse Family!

I spent a few days in Vang Vieng and we did a guided cycling trip round a lagoon and some nearby villages, which was jolly good wholesome exercise. (I'd struggle to define what a lagoon is, but basically I think it's a pond that looks really pretty, with some trees and a swing and shit.) Sonia and I made friends with the guys at the tourist agency and ended up going out drinking with them in a Lao karaoke bar. They seemed really happy to show us around, and gave us a lift on their mopeds to a bar at the edge of town!

It was cool to get away from the main tourist strip and see where the locals hang out. The bar was a small dark room lit with neon, with the ever-present Thai pop music on the karaoke system; full of friendly folk enjoying a drink and a sing-song. Lao people love drinking in dimly-lit establishments, which oddly mirrors British culture!

On our last day in Vang Vieng we went kayaking. It was my first time on a kayak and I fell in a few times, as is the way. In a rush of bravado I followed all the experienced daredevils up a rock face, to dive off a ten metre high cliff!

When I reached the top of the cliff I realised I was not an experienced daredevil and began to sh*t myself slightly. I got the better of my nerves, stepped off the edge, then dropped like a stone and did a comical 'back flop' into the water! That was an experience I'll never forget for sure. Throwing myself hell-for-leather into life's turbulent jetstream, hoping for it to make me more of a man.

After the kayaking the guides drove us to our next destination, Vientiane. The capital of Laos is a smallish riverside city on the Mekong with some of the urban crush and pollution you'd expect of a capital. We quickly tried all the recommended guest houses, discovering as the hot and humid evening descended that horror of horrors, everywhere was full.

We met up with some Americans and Canadians who were kayaking with us, and eventually the five of us found a couple of rooms to share in a hotel. We recovered from the heat in the fridge-like air-conditioned rooms then headed out for a meal. A night of drinking ensued, and we ended up heading off in a tuk-tuk for a game in Vientiane's one and only ten-pin bowling alley! For me, bowling is a precursor to alcohol, not the culmination of the evening, and I struggled to adapt to the American way! It's hard to get in the game being several drinks worse for wear.

The next day I handed over my passport and a large wad of Lao Kip at the hotel reception to get my Vietnam visa rush-processed. This was followed by a rather good fry-up at a nearby cafe. Lao cuisine takes a back seat on many restaurants' menus! Bacon + hot dog sausages = enlightenment. What can I say?

The heat of the day became intense. Sonia, an American guy named Cesar and I did some sight-seeing round a bizarre park full of giant Buddha sculptures (Xieng Khuan). This lies just outside the city and is only reachable by taking a tuk-tuk down a long and extremely bumpy road. Then we went for a look round one of Vientiane's main temples, Pha That Luang. Always with the bloody temples! It was an amazing sight though, resplendent with a magnificent gold stupa. We chatted with some of the Buddhist monks, who were delightful chaps. One of the younger guys had been studying in the temple for ten years and was due to complete his duties and leave town the very next day!

One of the sights that defines Laos (and Thailand) for me is the flocks of orange-robed monks that congregate in towns and round temples. Being a monk is a highly respected position and most men will serve as a monk at some point in their life - in Thailand the back row of seats on buses is actually reserved for monks!

Another night of drinking with our kayaking cousins from across the pond ensued. The next morning (29th March) I was in a near-comatose state from over-exertion - not a good position to be in when you've got to pack your things and get ready for a flight! Somehow I managed. Sonia and I were leaving Laos for Hanoi.

I was a bit apprehensive about flying with Lao Airlines, having heard the rumours that they have frequent crashes. Their accident statistics are cloaked in secrecy by the Lao government and I know for a fact they're banned from flying over the EU!

The flight really was okay though. We flew in a smallish twin-engined propeller plane and got to Hanoi inside an hour. Lao Airlines seem to be tidying up their act these days; they're phasing out all the dodgy old Russian aircraft and they even gave us a charming in-flight lunch of shrinkwrapped cheese and ham sandwiches, much to my delight!

And so on to Vietnam. From the little I've seen so far it's clear that Hanoi is a hectic, bustling, frenetic place. It is built around the Old Quarter, which has existed for five centuries as a sort of giant marketplace. Whole streets are dedicated to shops selling different commodities such as shoes, china bowls and roasted fish. Women in conical hats sell fruit from baskets that they carry on a pole over their shoulder. It's like something from a different era.

The first thing you notice is how many motorbikes there are on the streets - there's millions of them! The roads are unbelievably chaotic. The unending streams of bikes and traffic constantly race from A to B, jostling for position. That's the thing about traffic in Asia - they just have a completely different idea of how it's supposed to work compared to us!

Crossing the road in Vietnam takes nerve and practice; unlike elsewhere I've been you literally have to step in front of the traffic and let it swarm around you! Vietnamese drivers will often even grant you the courtesy of keeping your life.

Also it is bloody confusing to find your way around Hanoi, as all the streets look alike and have similar-sounding names, e.g. Ngo Gach, Nguyen Sieu, Hang Chieu... eeh, it's all Greek to me! By which I mean Vietnamese. I like the Old Quarter though, it's got a definite character to it. There are some picturesque views round the Hoan Kiem lake in the centre of the city; the algae-infested water shines a pretty bottle green under the dour cloudy skies.

We've seen a few sights in Hanoi, such as Ho Chi Minh's mausoleum, where the former communist leader's embalmed body is on display for public viewing, and a museum of his life story. I didn't really get the point of the museum, it was more like a modern art exhibition extolling the joys of Communism. Everywhere were photos of Ho Chi Minh making speaches and attending state events, but there was little obvious explanation of his life story. The whole thing seemed to serve to make a political point I had neither the patience or inclination to figure out.

Hanoi is famous for is its centuries-old tradition of water-puppetry, and I saw a water puppet show in a theatre by the lake. It was an eerie and magical experience unlike anything I've seen. The puppets appear to float by themselves in time to the unearthly oriental music. The stage is a rectangular pool of shallow water on which the figures float, and a group of musicians sit in a kind of orchestral pit at the side playing traditional Vietnamese music.

The puppets are cleverly controlled by levers from behind a bamboo screen, but glide around as if moving on their own. A bewildering cast featuring dozens of puppets are used to portray different animals and people. It was hard to tell what the f**k was happening, as the play just explores various themes rather than having a structured plot (various scenes are titled 'on a buffalo with a flute', 'catching frogs' and 'unicorns play with ball'), but it was an impressive spectacle. Apparently water puppeteers have to train for 3 years to master the art, and they have to get used to donning waders and working in waist-high water!

Also I went on a cruise round the northern beauty spot of Halong Bay, where thousands of small limestone islands are grouped in clusters around the coast. That was the first time since northern India that I've experienced weather as cold as the UK. It was beautiful, though the weather was cold and blustery and we couldn't see an awful lot.

We stayed overnight on Cat Ba island (where there is a large national park), and saw a massive street party commemorating the day 49 years ago when Ho Chi Minh visited the island. This guy pops up everywhere! I can't distinguish whether he is actually revered as a national hero among the people or whether the authorities are adamant that he be perceived that way.

Tomorrow we catch the night bus south to Hoi An to continue our journey. Hopefully there will come many more enlightening discoveries and wonderful adventures. But that's all for now - time for a crafty Bia Hoi at a streetside bar methinks! Arriverderci for now folks.